It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring....

The weather has been nuts to say the least lately. Christmas time we were in the high 60's/70's and sunny, and here in the end of March we're COLD, rainy and some days snowy!!

With no other sound but the rain hitting hard against my window this morning I'm reminded that with the rain, no matter how cold, heavy, or anger inducing wet pant legs might be, there comes with it a promise of new life.  That once the rain ceases there will be an abundance new trees, flowers, grass, warm sun giving life to everything around it. Without the preceding rain, the sun would be come a scorching, death ray!! (ok, in Redding it still feels that way at times..)

Anyhow, this morning started with jolt and an off kilter feeling, but as I reflect on the rain I am oddly encouraged by the promise it brings underneath its cloud. I guess the trick is, you have to want to see it. I'm incredibly thankful that for today, I do.

What day is it again?

Ever had one of those weeks where you're never really sure what day it is? Time is just something that flies by you every day at the speed of light? Monday feels like Tuesday, Tuesday feels like Wednesday, well you get the idea... This has been one of those weeks.
It seems like everything this week was on hyper speed, everything but me. I feel like my week really began on Tuesday with my incredible life group. To say that there was some emotional bondage broken and freedom found would only be scratching the surface (explanation soon to follow). I still don't have all the words to accurately explain Tuesday night, but I can assure you it rocked my socks right off!
Every Tuesday night we have "highs" and lows" from the week, I've been thinking about that a lot today, "what are my highs and lows"... This week feels like it's been full of ups and downs and loopty loops too, but the strange thing is that there is this underlying current of calm. I can't explain how grateful I am for that.
As this week keeps clicking by with things to do, places to be and people to assist I am ever thankful deep in my heart that no matter the crap, the lies, the pure exhaustion that comes at me I know that I can tap into that calm current underlying it all and gain perspective.

Side note: I attribute some of my thoughts, breakthroughs, calm throughout the week to the people who were covering me in prayer. You know who you are, and if you happen across this post I just want to say thank you. This week has brought to light for me once again the amazing value of covering those we love in daily prayer.

Who'd have thought..

Valentine's Day... not always the most celebrated holiday among singletons. But this year my friend/roommate Emily has changed my view of this most lovely day.
Sure it may be raining, grey and gloomy outside, but today has been nothing short of a fantastic reminder of how much love I have in my life. Even the tree outside my window is a BRIGHT Valentine-y pink!
Today is Emily's favorite day of the year I'd dare say... She's been looking forward to it for weeks now. At first I questioned why exactly, I've never been a fan.. for years this has been a holiday that has served as a reminder of what some of us DON'T have.
This year however (I think that Emily is rubbing off on me..) has been different. I've been able to see this day as an opportunity to be thankful for all the love I have in my life. I have a great family, a kick ass sister who'd I'd be lost without (what an incredible friend, wife and mother she is!!), a brother in-law who is more brother than in-law, Shelby, who has been my fiercest defender, and a whole "chosen family" of friends who are beyond description.
I have people in my life who I love deeply.
I have people in my life who love ME, and all my crazy at times.
Today may be one of the first Valentine's Days where I have truly seen the glass not only half full but OVERFLOWING!!
I hope that you (whoever bothers to read this thing) have an Emily around you today. Someone so joyful about this day that you can't help but be reminded that it's not about couples, romance and the like but it's all about LOVE.

Tug O' War

As you probably can tell from earlier postings the reoccurring theme in my life at the moment is choices. Sooo many choices. I'm not complaining, I would rather sit in a life full of choices then to have no options. But what about when every choice seems reasonable, good even? How do you decide then?
That last question I'm not sure that I will ever have an answer to. I feel though like this is just one more way that the Lord is teaching me to listen and be obedient. It's easy to obey when you know one choice might harm you or someone else, have some kind of unwelcome outcome. We tend to pick the past of least resistance or more rewarding option in that case. But what about the times when there seems to be no negative? What then?
I have the opportunity in front of me to help some messed up and hurting kids, to serve the community in an awesome way. Something that my heart beats for. To dig a little deeper into what I want to be when I "grow up". But in the midst of all the tugging I'm finding that I'm not in that place right now, I'm not strong enough to help them right now, as much as I want to.
I also have the opportunity to be a part of an amazing life group, to grow some deeper roots, to support and be supported. To grow. To stretch. To prepare. To challenge and be challenged.
I've lived the life of saying "yes" to every opportunity.. it's not fun. So now what?
I'm relearning to listen, and retraining my heart to hear the true answer, not necessarily always the one I want.
I'm learning maybe for the first time to be confident in my choices, to hold them as mine and mine alone.
I'm learning to pick "one" before the rope tears in two and no matter which way I lean I end up on my butt.
So here it is, the final choice in this most recent tug o' war....
I choose community
I choose family
I choose accountability and support
I choose for a season to let this be about me, about being whole, healthy, and about meeting others where they are just as they have met me where I am.
I choose the challenge
And I choose to own my choices. To know they are the correct ones for this season because I have taken the time to ask, and wait for the response.

Moving tiles and Minding the Gap

Sometimes we are the friends who get to stand in the gap for the ones we love and care about. Who get to bring those who just can't, who don't have the strength to keep going back, who doubt, who are tired, weak and and in need, to bring them to the feet of Jesus.

We hear that phrase a lot in the church, I'll stand in "the gap" for you. I've been the one standing in that gap before, for the ones I love. Carrying them at times when walking themselves seemed to be too daunting of a task. But today.. today it was different..

Today I was the one who needed the lifting, the carrying across. Today I was the one in need, and today I was lovingly carried over that gap by people who love me.

Now is not the time for details, but to simply say, be aware. Be "mindful of the gap" so to speak. you never know when you might be the one in need of carrying.

I head to bed tonight thankful for today, thankful for the way the Lord puts the right people in the right place and exactly the right time. I'm thankful for those in my life that are obedient to the voice of the Lord. Thankful that I know I am championed, there is someone(s) in my gap for me. And ever increasingly thankful for the freedom that only the Lord can bring.



Luke 5:18-20
"God had given Jesus the power to heal the sick, and some people came carrying a crippled man on a mat. They tried to take him inside the house and put him in front of Jesus. But because of the crowd, they could not get him to Jesus. So they went up on the roof, where they removed some tiles and let the mat down in the middle of the room. When Jesus saw how much faith they had, he said to the crippled man, "My friend, your sins are forgiven."

Certain Courage... and more choices.

I've made another choice in the middle of my chaos this morning. I am choosing today to be certain, even in the midst of any uncertainty that may try to derail me.
Why do I stress, why do lamely attempt to solve all the problems and issues of life in one afternoon. Better yet who do I think that I am that I could possibly succeed at that feat!?

Today I choose to step out of my own way, stop stepping on my own toes.
Today I will choose to be of good cheer
Today I will choose to remember I have nothing to conquer that hasn't already been conquered for me.
Today I will choose not to pick up the things of the past, but will let them be just that, the past.
Today I will choose to be confident in the things my heart knows to be true.

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have perfect peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer, take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted! For I have overcome the world. I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you."
John 16:33 (Amplified Bible)

Dreams: Dia De Los Muertos.

Sometimes I have the craziest dreams. Seems that they come and go in chains. There will be months when they are many, and vivid, most often strange to say the least.
I try to write them down soon after so I don't forget, so this is the latest....

I was in a tattoo shop, there to get a tattoo.. obvious I 'spose. I had planned to get a small one, flowers, vines, pretty colors, super girly. The tattoo is finished and I look down and I have a FULL SLEEVE! My first thought is I'm so dead. My mom is going to flip out! Were talking FULL sleeve, down to my fingertips. A sleeve and a glove maybe?! ;)
I panic and the tattoo artist tells me that he took some artistic liberties to what he thought I wanted. Didn't think I'd mind. In place of my beautiful flowers he put a Sugar Skull... His response to my panic was "um, well you were sitting right here..."

Random Fact about me: I like tattoos, really like them, but I don't like scary ones. Or anything remotely creepy. I'm hyper sensitive at times to imagery. Like we're talkin' the movie cases for scary movies in blockbuster can haunt my thoughts for weeks. I've often suggested to my sister that they need a "special area" for that crap. Lol.

I was able to wipe off the ink that was on my hands so that now the tattoo ended at my wrist (yes I know that this is not the conventional way a tattoo works).
So I leave, tears streaming, angry, and disturbed by the image now forever on my my arm. Not only is this not what I had in my mind when I went in, it's HUGE!

Things start to get disjointed at this point (as if they aren't already right?!). I walk out and see my mom, waiting for me to meet her for dinner. She stares at my arm and there's a recognition in her face of what the tattoo must mean, and then a panic. 100 questions about what was I thinking? Who did the tattoo? Where was he? Did I know his name? And did I know I'd never get hired for another job with a tattoo like that? (That comment seemed to be the most normal thing about this dream. I hope she reads this. :) ) She goes on to tell me that this image has been all over, that this was his "calling card" some kind of "message" sent. Whoever "he" was.
Somehow at this point I realize that he was the government traitor that has been on the run for the last year. Wanted all over the world. My next thought is "why is he in Redding of all places??"

We turn and run back in the direction of the shop, that's now closed, lights out, no one there. I hear in the background the sound of a train leaving, and then in an instant I'm there at the train station, it's dark and the only thing there is a single rail car...

And that's it. That's where it ended. Well at least where my alarm went off. Strange right?!

Do you have crazy dreams? What are some of them?? Help me feel "normal". LOL.

Today I Choose..

Life is full of choices. Lots of them actually. My first thought this morning,... well ok my thought right after, seriously alarm clock "SHUT UP!"... was "Today I choose.." and it stopped there while I got up to start the morning routine, wash face, brush teeth, blah blah blah...
Somewhere in between ironing my pants, and putting on my shoes I decided that today I choose:

To take responsibility for myself
To be thankful for the blessed life I lead
To find something great in every person I pass today

So there it is, seemingly so simple... my thought for today. Amazing how empowering making choices can be!
So what are some of yours?

Rain.

"I am empty but I know your love does not run dry"... Just lyrics from a song... But for me, for today they are so much more.
I am empty, and in such need for the truths that I know are out there. The ones that I know are just as real and tangible as the trees just outside. I'm loved. I'm beautiful. I'm exactly where I am supposed to be.
This current season I'm in feels more like the coming of a storm then a "season". The calm is gone, and I can feel in my heart the whipping of the winds swirling around me. The sting of the rain being blown in my face. Every once in a while tho I am lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the perfect blue sky that in my heart of hearts I know still exists beyond the threats of this stupid storm. And each time I do I have an almost eery sense of peace, something in my heart that tells me, "Even though you feel insane, you KNOW the truth, peace is coming, has come, is already with you, even now"

A dear friend left me with this, "When life is sweet say thank you and celebrate, when life is bitter say thank you and grow"... So I guess that's what this is, this is me, saying "thank you" in advance, for where this season is taking me, and for who I will be at the end of it. And thank you to the ones in my life who will walk with me through it with patience and love. The very thought of you, who you are in my life humbles me. It will most likely push me, kick me, toss me around but I will make the choice to cling to the truths I know, to the blue sky I know that lies beyond this unexplicable mess.

To anyone in this boat along with me, I say this to you as much as I do to myself, you're not alone in it. You're loved. You're beautiful. You're wanted. You have purpose.