In the hand of King Kong

The message from Travis last night was amazing, and so needed for the Stirring family I think. I for one appreciated the fresh look at singleness and married-ness. One is not better or more than the other, and both are to be valued and sooo needed. I loved the emphasis on playing the “hand” that the Lord has given us each day. Being faithful in whatever season that we are currently in and using it to the best of our ability to serve and expand the Kingdom of the amazing God we love.
There were a couple of big “take home moments” for me last night, one was being challenged to live each day I am given to its absolute capacity. Am I doing that now, in my relationships, in my action? I am not willing to sit and live in the waiting room of life, for life to finally start. It already has, I am in it, and I love every second of it. Thank you Travis for the encouragement to all of us in our various stages of life!
The second and most vivid thing I took away from last night was a picture that I saw during worship second service. The repeating word for the second service seemed to be one of trust. Trust that the Lord knows what he’s doing, knows the desire of you heart and is working you towards something that will blow your mind when you finally see it, but no longer live in the “not yet” live in the right now. Live in the right now with fervent passion, not with an attitude of defeat, or longing for what will be. But this word of trust brought about this picture for me…
If you have ever seen the movie King Kong (the newer one, Jack Black and Naomi Watts) you’ll remember this scene, if not you need to watch it and remember this image… King Kong has just defended Ann Darrow from three huge T-Rex dinosaurs, he’s battered, tired and grumpy, rightfully so. The next shot is of Kong sitting tired on this huge cliff and Ann standing back from him, still unsure of how safe she ought to feel with this beast. They watch each other for a while, careful not to let one catch the other looking. Finally Kong, lays his massive hand on the ground, palm up and looks away from her, she sits a while longer before deciding she can trust this massive creature that just fought to save her and climbs up into his gigantic open waiting hand, Kong glances back with a warm look as she curls up in this palm to rest. She rests peaceful, calm and knowing that while in this other worldly jungle she is without doubt safe in his hand.
As the night went on, this picture changed for me from the large furry hand of Kong to the hand of God, and from Naomi Watts as Ann Darrow to me as the leading lady in my own story. In a fantastic way, I was confirmed that I do rest in the palm of a huge, powerful, sometime terrifying, but oh so loving Lord who has only my best interest in mind. He has over time in my life protected me from the various forms of T-Rex that I have faced, sometimes even unknowingly. He is the protector of my heart, my life, of all that I am and who I will continue to become. So I woke today and walked out my door to face what would normally be “just another manic Monday” knowing, and fully owning the confidence that I sit today in the palm of an almighty Lord in whom I can place all of my trust and have nothing to fear.
So whether it be relationship, leadership, work, life in general… I give my all, every fiber of my heart, the core of who I am and I say do with it as you see fit, I trust you.

Lucky

I am one lucky girl I have decided… I have been sitting here looking at the photos in my frames at all the places I’ve been, incredible people I’ve met and awesome things I have been blessed to see and do…

Years ago I spent some significant time as a Mission Builder with YWAM in Hawaii. A time in my life that forever marked me, changed me and I truly believe was a turning point for me. Because of the people I met, the things I witnessed and experienced…

Lately I have been missing that, tremendously… Sometimes I think, should I have gone back, completed a DTS and gone on to who knows where? Those thoughts lately have shifted to thinking, I wonder if it’s too late? I mean for sure I would need to bust my tail and take care of student loans, consumer debt and all that fun “life” stuff before I really considered it, but I can’t help but think, daydream really about going back into a program like that. I miss the people that come from all over the world for one purpose…To know Jesus and make Him known, the promise of travel, the idea of travelling light and being ready to go wherever you are led to next.

There is this inner struggle in me that says “Do IT!”, and then the other more reasonable side that knows how terribly I would miss my family and my friends… Truly this is nothing more than a thought, a wistful dream if you will, of what might be or could have been. I know that I am right where I am supposed to be, and I am happy to be here in this place. Near my sister, niece and nephew, part of one of the most incredible communities ever and the stirring, all of it just comes together time after time to reconfirm that the Lord has brought me to this place, and I will stay set until he says other wise.

Recently a great friend of mine shared with me her desire to lead a Summer team to Amsterdam to minister to the women of the Red Light district. When she told me about her plan my heart started to pound with excitement!! I can’t wait to see where the Lord is going to take her on this journey and I already feel so lucky that I get to walk along with her as she goes after the burden on her heart. Stay tuned for news from Amsterdam….

The Lord is moving, what he is up to I am not quite sure yet, but he is stirring something about in me personally. Bringing back to light old dreams, new dreams, words spoken over or shared with me. That being said I am excited, nervous, but excited…

...there is no "off" switch....

As I continue to grow in my relationship with the Lord and settle further into who he has created me to be I come to some conclusions at a speed that often feels like crashing into a wall when I finally "get it". Well, at least to the best of my ability anyway.
I'm a feeler... there I said it... what others feel I feel, I can't fully explain how or why this happens it just is a part of who I am, and I am learning to embrace this fact.
There are so many positives to being someone who feels deeply, I love deeply, however on the flip side of that coin is the fact that I hurt deeply as well. So I find myself asking at times where do I find the balance?
I don't wish or want to change this attribute that the Lord has placed in my heart, yet at the same time I do get the advice of friends and loved ones that I need to not take so much on my heart from others around me. But here's my dilemma... there's no off switch... there is no easy formula for me that says when your life collides with mine at any given point in life I can "choose" to not let my heart get involved...
Empathy by definition is "to identify with another's feelings. It is to emotionally put yourself in the place of another. The ability to empathize is directly dependent on your ability to feel your own feelings and identify them."
And in having personal relationship with the Lord comes the compassion component here too, which just mixes it all up.. "More vigorous than empathy, Compassion is the feeling that commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering"
That's where I trip myself I think.. in the mixing of compassion and empathy together, but can one exist without the other?
I know that somewhere in this mix there must be, not an off switch but a balance... I am determined now more than ever to find it....

Coffee, transformers and princess dresses...

Two weeks ago I started in a new position out at Simpson in Financial Aid, today my sister, mom, Judah and Zoe came to see me and my new office. Yep I have an office!! With a door! ...It doesn't take much to make me happy. Judah comes in with his transformers, full with sounds effects and everything and pauses briefly to say... "this is a small office..." Thanks dude, way to burst Kiki's bubble... :) Ah, the honesty of a five year old, gotta love it. Zoe on the other hand completely decked in her princess garb, embraces my love for my office a little more readily, wanting to play on the computer, spin in my chair and drink my coffee... future CEO I think...
As she tips my coffee, officially christening my desk she starts to cry, and there are muffled "sorry Kiki, sorry Mama's" hiccuped throughout I can't help but laugh... No biggie, whats coffee on a couple papers. Though ok truth be told I was in such desperation for that sweet nectar of the Dutch Bro gods that licking the paper did run through my mind...
Anyway, I was thinking about that later this afternoon, and the whole idea of "don't cry over spilt milk"... why sit and soak in the things that you can do nothing about? I know in the past I have been master of not letting go. Beating every decsion made, every word spoken and every mistake to a bloody pulp. Thank you Lord that I have been released from that. What an exhausting way to live. What's done is done, all you can do is clean it up to the best of your ability and move on. No sense dwelling on it.
Funny cause it's in this moment now that I will choose to even further release a few things from my mind, heart and life... the coffee has been spilt, no need to cry.. just wipe it up and get on with the day.
Judah did have his moment in my office tho when he spotted a picture of the two if us and leaned in for a closer look and said "awwwww...". Man I love that boy. Not sure that anyone will ever top my list like he does. I hope that someday he will look back and have memories of playing with me, talking with me and just livin life and will want to find a girl that is a combo of his momma and his "Kiki".
I wrote him a letter the day he was born, someday he'll read it, I haven't thought about it again until today actually.... I am sad to watch him grow up and not be a baby anymore but man, oh man I can't wait to see the lady killer he is going to be. Not to mention the man of incredible honor and faith he will be as a reflection of his Dad.
Anyway, that's all random thoughts for the day... I love my family, would be ablsolutley lost without them!!
Thanks for coming by guys! You made a Monday a lil' less "monday-ish"

So many, yet so few...

In talking with a friend last night I was struck yet again by how many amazing, passionate, fire-filled women and I know, and how few men there are that match them... Why is this? Are we hanging out in the wrong places?
I should probably stop there first though and acknowledge that I do know some great men, a small handful that are teaching me about what a man who loves and walks with Jesus looks like. Little do they know that I am taking notes as I witness how they walk though life, and will be indebted to them for the lessons they teach me (someday I will need to thank each one of them)... they have each been such an encouragement to my life, to my heart that they do exist, out there somewhere each of these incredible women I know will be found by her elusive equally amazing counterpart.
I guess, its just that I want to encourage all of my girls that have expressed frustration in the waiting, to those that have bought in to lies that they aren't worthy... I want to encourage you all that you ARE. You are priceless gems that are prizes to be won and you will be cherished beyond measure just as you should. So don't settle... Hold out. Believe me I know that the waiting suuuuucks... but you're not alone, and it will all come in good time.
Blessings and peace to each of you and your deeply loving hearts.

...truly it is the sweetest thing... Part One

I am sitting in my room attempting to finally begin to really unpack the last eight months or so of my life... As, I sit here I am kept company by Goose awkwardly curled up on my shins and Kristene Mueller via my nano, this is a stolen moment for me, and long overdue I will admit... but I swear she has been watching me..
For quite sometime now the word over my life has been obedience... yea I know, awesome right... I didn't think so at first, my first thoughts were "that's not good.." when I think of obedience initially I think of when your parents used to tell you "you better listen and obey" usually in the context of being just about to get in trouble.. Which, ok I still think is true now and then but I have come to know that you have to also have trust in order to Obey.
I am sitting in this place of asking the Lord every other day or so "you SURE you know what you're doing right???" It's a good thing that the Lord has a sense of humor with me and isn't at all put out at my nagging questions of "what are we doing?", "when are we going to get there", "how is that gonna work".. When we were kids and would be on trips with our parents we used to ask the "how much longer..." only to have Dad reply by holding up two fingers... as I grew I realized that this was the "symbol" for "too much longer.." Sometimes I think that the Lord does something similar with me when I can't just sit and wait long enough for him to begin to tell me what we're moving towards.
In the last 8 months or so he has shifted a ton in my life, he has truly began to knock away some sharp corners of my heart, and truly change who I am in my very core. All along the way there having been marking moments where I have been able to clearly see that these are moments that the Lord is causing a change, marking that area of my life as different so that I never forget what he's done. Does that make sense?
It's like, if you've ever played the Wii fit you know that at the end of ever time you play you get to put a big stamp on the day you just finished... The Lord is holding one BIG 'OL stamp over certain areas of my life at the moment.
Ah, my brain is spinning in circles... ok this is why you shouldn't wait too long to sit and think stuff out, talk to the Lord and just be. There is so much to get out that I don't know where to begin.
Where do I start, do I start with my new found joy and freedom, do I start with the trial, heartache and sacrifice to took to get there, or with the current rocky terrain that I am walking in?
Months ago I was asked to be a part of a leadership life group, I lovingly blame that group of friends for the massive change in who I am. I am so indebted to each one of them...
Throughout our time together we gained so much knowledge, felt so much love, and saw the Lord move in BIG and small ways in our leaders. Going over the spiritual disciplines, placing myself in a place to be challenge like never before, and finally truly accepting that challenge I have come out on the other side a different girl.
Our final night together Matt, Kendall and Derrick gave each of us communion, prayer and an annointing as they felt led. That night as I sat there and watched them begin to move their way through the group my thoughts flew back and forth from serious to distracted (like..."I wonder if annointing oil will give all of us a holy zit...") And then to asking the Lord, what is it that you will anoint me for I wonder... In that moment he spoke to my heart, said I'm calling you out, no more sitting and "needing to "learn" more, before you get up and get moving, no, this is it" (don't get me wrong I am FOREVER in a state of learning) and then clearly in my mind and heart he told me "ears and lips" that was it "ears and lips"... Ok, I had watched these guys anointing people and never was it anything that strange. Feet, hands, mind, heart those things I understood but ears and lips...?
That night after communion Matt prayed over me and wouldn't you know it... that's what the Lord had put on his heart to anoint me for... it was pretty crazy. we laughed, we cried.. it was awesome! After that the three of them said that the felt that this was the night the I was being called out, there were those words again, burning into my heart as Derrick said them "Tonight you're being called out"... time to join my leaders... such a humbling moment... I will never in my life forget that feeling. They had asked me to stay and pray for the rest of the group with them, it was such an honor...
And, that was the jumping off point for me, the no return moment, where I felt the old chains that had been rusted on to my heart, my life, my mind for so long break and fall off for good... Please dont hear in this that I got to this sweet sweet moment without and trouble... trust me when I tell you, He tried me, tested me, and then did it again to be sure I was ready. There was heart hurts, sacrifice, and humbling to be done before I could whole heartedly accept the change he was bringing about that night.

...To be con't...



It's the sweetest thing
to trust you
just to know
You got everything under control

it's the sweetest thing
to trust you
just to know
You got everything

and You are making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be shaken

well You are making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be moved

high up on a rock
looking out at the horizon
watching as the storm rolls in
wondering if my heart will survive it

as the waves crash all around me
and can't remember what it feels like to be free

i know You're making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be shaken

oh You are making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be moved

You say, I've got you my baby
I've got you
it's quite the mess you're in
but it's nothing Love can't fix

so sit here upon my shoulders
and watch as it all unwinds

You are making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be shaken

i know You're making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be moved

I am a reprieved felon and I have an anchor tattoo...

Ok, so maybe I am being a little mellow dramatic, and I am not really a felon and my tough anchor tattoo will wash off in the shower... But, I have been remiss on writing the craziness of life lately. So, if you choose feel free to dive into my scattered randomness...

All Rise:
...For the honorable Judge Dolloard... I'm a crazy driver.. there I admitted it. I can be easily distracted and then do some not so smart things... For instance, not coming to a full and complete stop before turning right at a red light...
I'll spare the gory details and leave it at this... I got a friendly letter from the CA supreme court, complete with my photo and everything! I was tagged by one of those red light cameras at the stoplight on the way to church of all places!! I had to laugh when I got and figured it was a lesson learned that I will now have to pay for. Being the responsible adult I am I was ok with this consequence. Until... while I was waiting for one of my girls to meet with me before we began the When God Dreams conference (which I was on staff for...) I went to check the mail.. bad move. This is precisely why I NEVER check the mail. If I don't see the bills and hate mail then they don't really exist right?? Anyway, awaiting me was a NEON pink letter stamped in bold black print "FAILURE TO APPEAR; NOTICE OF SUSPENSION".
I don't need to tell you that I almost pooped my pants at the sight of those words. I thought for sure there was a mistake, I had just received my ticket and had until June 22nd to clear it all up. Surely this was meant for someone else...
When I called to tell the courthouse that they had the wrong girl I felt like someone kicked me in the neck... As it happens, I had two prior tickets for the exact same violation in the exact same place (all on Sundays mind you) that I didn't know about. They had both gone to an old address.
So buckets of panicked tears and a whole slew of "my sister is a wanted criminal" jokes later I went to court. First time, and hope to be the last time that I have ever been to court.. didn't know what to expect, but was so incredibly thankful that I had a judge who found humor in my stupidity and gave me grace. The total of my offences.. right around 1600.00 until the judge gave me mercy and dismissed the first two tickets and the failure to appear (which PS is a misdemeanor in case you were wondering..), significantly lowering my fees.
So, all this to say that I have learned my lesson about California rolling stops... DONT DO IT! So, the next time I am 5 min late to the Stirring ya'll know why, I am coming to a FULL and COMPLETE stop...

Dream session:
About a week ago I had an impromptu talk with a good friend that quickly morphed itself into two plus hours of dreaming, planning and excitement. We got to talking about involvement in the Stirring and how she wanted to, and was ready to jump in and get involved. Which in and of itself is exciting to me because I know that she has so much strength, wisdom and experience to offer I can't wait to watch her start to walk it out again. I have looked up to her and her leadership with young women, not to mention have been sharpened by her challenges and encouragement in the past few months. It's funny sometimes how the Lord works.... I think that the he has brought our friendship together for a time such as this. Both of our hearts pound for single women. There is such a gap between singles in the church and the rest of the body sometimes. I know it's not intentional, it just seems to be there. Ministries are classically geared towards students, young marrieds, families, parents, engaged. etc but there is a large population of people who are sitting in the in between. Not a student, not a married or parent.. so where do these people go? Specifically, where do these women go? I have talked this through with friends before and looked for someone to not only catch the vision and see the need but be willing to partner in being a part of the solution. I think this is where we are being brought to together.
Single women deal with a whole other mess of questions, concerns, struggles, joys, and significant need for community that all too often goes unmet. It is my heart to close the gap. To provide a safe place to struggle, laugh, cry, pray build friendship and then to connect us all to the other women in the church, because no matter what we have a great deal to learn from these amazing women that are running on a different path at the moment. Even just writing this out I get exciting thinking about what it could all look like, the need that could be met. A place where there is nothing wrong with being single and there is a pursuit of peace rather than contentment. I am not doing the idea justice here...
So for now it's in a state of prayer, what will it look like, how will we get it started? Is there a big enough need, and interest?
Any ideas, or feedback???

When it counts...

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you just the way you are.
Have you ever heard quotes like this one regarding friendship before, or like the country song "Find out who your friends are" by Tracy Lawrence? It's times like these that I feel like I begin to really understand what's being said behind he lyrics...
Have you ever had one of those days when your heart aches, for a million different little reasons along with some big ones and all you really want is for the people who know you best, who love you, to wrap you in a big ol' hug and ask you if everythings ok... Have you ever craved being able to answer that question honestly and say no, knowing that you had the time and the support with you to break down and begin to face it all one piece at a time with someone safe?
Oh, man I know that feeling these last couple weeks, sometimes there is nothing lonelier than being left alone in your own head...
So... though I never thought I would use this as a platform for which to let go of my thoughts, hurts, and angst, I am today... Cause I know that the ones that will even bother to look at this are people who love me and would be that bear hug if they could.
My grandma is sick, like really sick... She has been knocked down by surgeries and such before but this time it's different, there is a huge unknown that says this could end badly. I love my grandma, I have great memories of her. She has always been a huge part of my life, helped to raise me into who I am today. I remember going grocery shopping with her in her HUGE Chevy Malibu and singing "to market, to market to buy a fat pig, home again, home again jiggity jig" while we pulled back into the driveway, or that I used to love staying at her house so much I got in trouble and HAD to come home for at least one night during the week. She has always been a great Yahtzee competitor and truly a cheerleader of everything I have ever tried to do. So I am stuck with conflicting emotions over what is happening to her now. Ultimately it comes down to wanting whats best for her, and my need to admit that I have no clue what that might be, it truly is in the Lords hands.
That is the main part of the mountain I feel like I am climbing at the moment, there are other things strewn along the way in there that aren't helping matters but... but, what really? I don't know...
It's nights like tonight when I realized how lucky I am, how blessed my life is... Even in the midst of chaotic emotions for me I have some of the greatest friends and family.
Thank the Lord for my sister, I don't know what I would do without her, I tend to fall apart from time to time and without her I know I would be up a creek.
But tonight the Lord reminded me that I have some amazing friends in my life, people who read through my "I'm doin' ok's" and call me on my crap. I was faced tonight with my friend Mack reminding me that I always tell my girls "it's ok to not be ok" yet somehow I don't afford myself that luxury more often than not... Since when did I become a "do as I say not as I do kind of leader and friend? That's crap... Mack, if you ever even read this, thank you for coming over and listening to me process, I needed the company and I needed to talk more than I think I knew. Jamie, thank you for the note tonight, I needed that. Sarah, please come home!!! Thanks for the text friend and I'll be seeing you wednesday.
So, there it is I guess... I am admitting it... I am not ok... I know I will be, and I know I will shake this grey feeling, but thank you friends who are loving me through it while I sort through all this.

It's true... I am a VIP!! (this one is late... .I know... and there is so much more to the story I will have to add later..)

Yep I am a VIP... at least in the Rodeo world I am... ok, ok, and I that I am a VIP in the Redding and Red Bluff Rodeos....
This last weekend was AMAZING and so what I needed. I have been swimming in my own thoughts for weeks, which can both be good and bad. Either way though I was in need of a good laugh.
I love rodeo, everything about it really. I know some of my friends won't agree and will even say that had an awful time this weekend... But, I am always so happy during rodeo season!! The horses, the music, the cowboys... There is just something about the energy of the crowd, and the fact that for Redding in particular it is a week long community event. Love love love it!
That being said, this year may have just been the best one yet. The final night of the rodeo (yes, I went all three nights... thank you Beck!)my good friend Becky and I were leaving the rodeo grounds after an already awesome night, of 90 point rides, Flirty camera men, and some of the best people watching EVER! Oh my word some of the outfits these girls wear... "even cowgirls can tramp it up" was one sentiment that I heard over the weekend... it's funny to watch these girls throw themselves at the rodeo talent and announcers... Here's the funny thing.. who got into the VIP room and had dinner with the big wigs??? YUP, me and Becky!!
It was some of the most fun I have had in a long time! Becky introduced me to Wayne and Will, who she had met the year before, I left a voicemail for my big crush "Crash" (he's a rodeo clown), and cinched the deal on some VIP treatment at both rodeos next year!! Oh man I can't wait!

Sometimes it takes me awhile... so what?

Well...after a year or so of trying to join the blogging revolution I have finally arrived... I guess it's just that I never had too much to say until now, well... ok, I always have something to say, but it's not always what I would want to publish to the masses...
So where to start, I am assuming that if you are reading this you are already a part of my life and know the basics, I love my family, I love my friends and I faithfully, fearfully, undeniably love the Lord.
As for the latter I have to say that I have come to a renewed passion for Jesus, he has pushed me further beyond the bounds of my little life than I ever thought he would. It all began to take full motion about five months or so ago when I joined a leadership training life group through the stirring. (Which if you haven't checked it out or know what it is, look it up www.thestirring.org)
Anyway, without having to go into ALL the details, I'll leave you with the synopsis (got good at writing those in college... thank you Phil Vaughn)
So, a few months back I joined the life group like I previously mentioned, that was the start to this snowball effect in my life... shortly after that a good friend of mine had asked if I would be a part of leading a small group of young women with her on Wednesday nights, I said yes, without knowing what would soon follow... The group ended up looking nothing like originally thought, the Lord had different plans and made it exactly what it needed to be.
I have been so blessed to be living in a great little house with an amazing roommate that puts up with my revolving door of a life lately. That first night I was able to welcome these girls into my home changed my life, forever... It may sound like an exaggerated comment to make, but let me assure you it is not. You see, I have been ignoring what is burning so ferociously now in my heart for quite sometime. The Lord has used each one of these beautiful young women to awaken in me a passion that I had all but forgotten, or believed that I had any influence in. My heart beats for young women, well women in general really. I so desperately want to see them come to know the Jesus I know, to live in the freedom, passion and love that I have discovered only comes from Him. To see women recognize their beauty, strength, talent, character and depth of love that we all too often forget, to see those same women not only begin to believe in who they are created to be, but to walk in it, own it, and accept it.
I can see now that the Lord had to walk me through some tough lessons to get me to believe it for myself before I could speak it to, or over anyone else. After eight years in total of lessons learned, re-learned and learned again, in these last six months the light finally went on.. I get it now... I am a women in need of her Jesus in order to walk through anymore days in this life with any impact, joy, strength or even success.
...see this is where I get stumped in writing blogs... there is SO SO SO much that could be said about the things I have learned, seen, heard in the last little while but then I would need a book to write it all in.. so maybe I will have to settle for letting bits and pieces come out here and there in the blogs to come.
Heather, I am so thankful that you even thought to ask me to join you during this last semester of life groups, you will never know how much that one invitation has forever changed the direction of my life...
Caitlin, Mackenzie, Jordyn, Jamie, Anna, Megan, Cassie, Andrea, Alia, I am so thankful for each one of you, you will forever hold a special place in my heart as the ones who "woke me up"... I love you.
So, there you go... that concludes article one of this new hobby. Stay tuned though, I have already promised Shelby that I will back to write about traffic tickets, failed court appearances, and sooo many other (non-fictional) stories...