...there is no "off" switch....

As I continue to grow in my relationship with the Lord and settle further into who he has created me to be I come to some conclusions at a speed that often feels like crashing into a wall when I finally "get it". Well, at least to the best of my ability anyway.
I'm a feeler... there I said it... what others feel I feel, I can't fully explain how or why this happens it just is a part of who I am, and I am learning to embrace this fact.
There are so many positives to being someone who feels deeply, I love deeply, however on the flip side of that coin is the fact that I hurt deeply as well. So I find myself asking at times where do I find the balance?
I don't wish or want to change this attribute that the Lord has placed in my heart, yet at the same time I do get the advice of friends and loved ones that I need to not take so much on my heart from others around me. But here's my dilemma... there's no off switch... there is no easy formula for me that says when your life collides with mine at any given point in life I can "choose" to not let my heart get involved...
Empathy by definition is "to identify with another's feelings. It is to emotionally put yourself in the place of another. The ability to empathize is directly dependent on your ability to feel your own feelings and identify them."
And in having personal relationship with the Lord comes the compassion component here too, which just mixes it all up.. "More vigorous than empathy, Compassion is the feeling that commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering"
That's where I trip myself I think.. in the mixing of compassion and empathy together, but can one exist without the other?
I know that somewhere in this mix there must be, not an off switch but a balance... I am determined now more than ever to find it....

Coffee, transformers and princess dresses...

Two weeks ago I started in a new position out at Simpson in Financial Aid, today my sister, mom, Judah and Zoe came to see me and my new office. Yep I have an office!! With a door! ...It doesn't take much to make me happy. Judah comes in with his transformers, full with sounds effects and everything and pauses briefly to say... "this is a small office..." Thanks dude, way to burst Kiki's bubble... :) Ah, the honesty of a five year old, gotta love it. Zoe on the other hand completely decked in her princess garb, embraces my love for my office a little more readily, wanting to play on the computer, spin in my chair and drink my coffee... future CEO I think...
As she tips my coffee, officially christening my desk she starts to cry, and there are muffled "sorry Kiki, sorry Mama's" hiccuped throughout I can't help but laugh... No biggie, whats coffee on a couple papers. Though ok truth be told I was in such desperation for that sweet nectar of the Dutch Bro gods that licking the paper did run through my mind...
Anyway, I was thinking about that later this afternoon, and the whole idea of "don't cry over spilt milk"... why sit and soak in the things that you can do nothing about? I know in the past I have been master of not letting go. Beating every decsion made, every word spoken and every mistake to a bloody pulp. Thank you Lord that I have been released from that. What an exhausting way to live. What's done is done, all you can do is clean it up to the best of your ability and move on. No sense dwelling on it.
Funny cause it's in this moment now that I will choose to even further release a few things from my mind, heart and life... the coffee has been spilt, no need to cry.. just wipe it up and get on with the day.
Judah did have his moment in my office tho when he spotted a picture of the two if us and leaned in for a closer look and said "awwwww...". Man I love that boy. Not sure that anyone will ever top my list like he does. I hope that someday he will look back and have memories of playing with me, talking with me and just livin life and will want to find a girl that is a combo of his momma and his "Kiki".
I wrote him a letter the day he was born, someday he'll read it, I haven't thought about it again until today actually.... I am sad to watch him grow up and not be a baby anymore but man, oh man I can't wait to see the lady killer he is going to be. Not to mention the man of incredible honor and faith he will be as a reflection of his Dad.
Anyway, that's all random thoughts for the day... I love my family, would be ablsolutley lost without them!!
Thanks for coming by guys! You made a Monday a lil' less "monday-ish"

So many, yet so few...

In talking with a friend last night I was struck yet again by how many amazing, passionate, fire-filled women and I know, and how few men there are that match them... Why is this? Are we hanging out in the wrong places?
I should probably stop there first though and acknowledge that I do know some great men, a small handful that are teaching me about what a man who loves and walks with Jesus looks like. Little do they know that I am taking notes as I witness how they walk though life, and will be indebted to them for the lessons they teach me (someday I will need to thank each one of them)... they have each been such an encouragement to my life, to my heart that they do exist, out there somewhere each of these incredible women I know will be found by her elusive equally amazing counterpart.
I guess, its just that I want to encourage all of my girls that have expressed frustration in the waiting, to those that have bought in to lies that they aren't worthy... I want to encourage you all that you ARE. You are priceless gems that are prizes to be won and you will be cherished beyond measure just as you should. So don't settle... Hold out. Believe me I know that the waiting suuuuucks... but you're not alone, and it will all come in good time.
Blessings and peace to each of you and your deeply loving hearts.