I am a reprieved felon and I have an anchor tattoo...

Ok, so maybe I am being a little mellow dramatic, and I am not really a felon and my tough anchor tattoo will wash off in the shower... But, I have been remiss on writing the craziness of life lately. So, if you choose feel free to dive into my scattered randomness...

All Rise:
...For the honorable Judge Dolloard... I'm a crazy driver.. there I admitted it. I can be easily distracted and then do some not so smart things... For instance, not coming to a full and complete stop before turning right at a red light...
I'll spare the gory details and leave it at this... I got a friendly letter from the CA supreme court, complete with my photo and everything! I was tagged by one of those red light cameras at the stoplight on the way to church of all places!! I had to laugh when I got and figured it was a lesson learned that I will now have to pay for. Being the responsible adult I am I was ok with this consequence. Until... while I was waiting for one of my girls to meet with me before we began the When God Dreams conference (which I was on staff for...) I went to check the mail.. bad move. This is precisely why I NEVER check the mail. If I don't see the bills and hate mail then they don't really exist right?? Anyway, awaiting me was a NEON pink letter stamped in bold black print "FAILURE TO APPEAR; NOTICE OF SUSPENSION".
I don't need to tell you that I almost pooped my pants at the sight of those words. I thought for sure there was a mistake, I had just received my ticket and had until June 22nd to clear it all up. Surely this was meant for someone else...
When I called to tell the courthouse that they had the wrong girl I felt like someone kicked me in the neck... As it happens, I had two prior tickets for the exact same violation in the exact same place (all on Sundays mind you) that I didn't know about. They had both gone to an old address.
So buckets of panicked tears and a whole slew of "my sister is a wanted criminal" jokes later I went to court. First time, and hope to be the last time that I have ever been to court.. didn't know what to expect, but was so incredibly thankful that I had a judge who found humor in my stupidity and gave me grace. The total of my offences.. right around 1600.00 until the judge gave me mercy and dismissed the first two tickets and the failure to appear (which PS is a misdemeanor in case you were wondering..), significantly lowering my fees.
So, all this to say that I have learned my lesson about California rolling stops... DONT DO IT! So, the next time I am 5 min late to the Stirring ya'll know why, I am coming to a FULL and COMPLETE stop...

Dream session:
About a week ago I had an impromptu talk with a good friend that quickly morphed itself into two plus hours of dreaming, planning and excitement. We got to talking about involvement in the Stirring and how she wanted to, and was ready to jump in and get involved. Which in and of itself is exciting to me because I know that she has so much strength, wisdom and experience to offer I can't wait to watch her start to walk it out again. I have looked up to her and her leadership with young women, not to mention have been sharpened by her challenges and encouragement in the past few months. It's funny sometimes how the Lord works.... I think that the he has brought our friendship together for a time such as this. Both of our hearts pound for single women. There is such a gap between singles in the church and the rest of the body sometimes. I know it's not intentional, it just seems to be there. Ministries are classically geared towards students, young marrieds, families, parents, engaged. etc but there is a large population of people who are sitting in the in between. Not a student, not a married or parent.. so where do these people go? Specifically, where do these women go? I have talked this through with friends before and looked for someone to not only catch the vision and see the need but be willing to partner in being a part of the solution. I think this is where we are being brought to together.
Single women deal with a whole other mess of questions, concerns, struggles, joys, and significant need for community that all too often goes unmet. It is my heart to close the gap. To provide a safe place to struggle, laugh, cry, pray build friendship and then to connect us all to the other women in the church, because no matter what we have a great deal to learn from these amazing women that are running on a different path at the moment. Even just writing this out I get exciting thinking about what it could all look like, the need that could be met. A place where there is nothing wrong with being single and there is a pursuit of peace rather than contentment. I am not doing the idea justice here...
So for now it's in a state of prayer, what will it look like, how will we get it started? Is there a big enough need, and interest?
Any ideas, or feedback???

When it counts...

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you just the way you are.
Have you ever heard quotes like this one regarding friendship before, or like the country song "Find out who your friends are" by Tracy Lawrence? It's times like these that I feel like I begin to really understand what's being said behind he lyrics...
Have you ever had one of those days when your heart aches, for a million different little reasons along with some big ones and all you really want is for the people who know you best, who love you, to wrap you in a big ol' hug and ask you if everythings ok... Have you ever craved being able to answer that question honestly and say no, knowing that you had the time and the support with you to break down and begin to face it all one piece at a time with someone safe?
Oh, man I know that feeling these last couple weeks, sometimes there is nothing lonelier than being left alone in your own head...
So... though I never thought I would use this as a platform for which to let go of my thoughts, hurts, and angst, I am today... Cause I know that the ones that will even bother to look at this are people who love me and would be that bear hug if they could.
My grandma is sick, like really sick... She has been knocked down by surgeries and such before but this time it's different, there is a huge unknown that says this could end badly. I love my grandma, I have great memories of her. She has always been a huge part of my life, helped to raise me into who I am today. I remember going grocery shopping with her in her HUGE Chevy Malibu and singing "to market, to market to buy a fat pig, home again, home again jiggity jig" while we pulled back into the driveway, or that I used to love staying at her house so much I got in trouble and HAD to come home for at least one night during the week. She has always been a great Yahtzee competitor and truly a cheerleader of everything I have ever tried to do. So I am stuck with conflicting emotions over what is happening to her now. Ultimately it comes down to wanting whats best for her, and my need to admit that I have no clue what that might be, it truly is in the Lords hands.
That is the main part of the mountain I feel like I am climbing at the moment, there are other things strewn along the way in there that aren't helping matters but... but, what really? I don't know...
It's nights like tonight when I realized how lucky I am, how blessed my life is... Even in the midst of chaotic emotions for me I have some of the greatest friends and family.
Thank the Lord for my sister, I don't know what I would do without her, I tend to fall apart from time to time and without her I know I would be up a creek.
But tonight the Lord reminded me that I have some amazing friends in my life, people who read through my "I'm doin' ok's" and call me on my crap. I was faced tonight with my friend Mack reminding me that I always tell my girls "it's ok to not be ok" yet somehow I don't afford myself that luxury more often than not... Since when did I become a "do as I say not as I do kind of leader and friend? That's crap... Mack, if you ever even read this, thank you for coming over and listening to me process, I needed the company and I needed to talk more than I think I knew. Jamie, thank you for the note tonight, I needed that. Sarah, please come home!!! Thanks for the text friend and I'll be seeing you wednesday.
So, there it is I guess... I am admitting it... I am not ok... I know I will be, and I know I will shake this grey feeling, but thank you friends who are loving me through it while I sort through all this.